Thursday, 2 February 2017

TAX APOCALYPSE





I managed to finish my tax return this weekend. Thanks, I’m great at admin. Once again I had not earned enough revenue to pay tax. My gross earnings were £7,000 in the Tax year 15/16. Tax owed, zero. Satisfaction felt, ten. After a few nights out on the tiles I realized this was not in fact a cause for celebration but rather a sorrowful, financial kick in the balls. Yes, well done Harry that’s the most money you’ve earned in ten years but it’s also the salary of a child.For half that money you could have signed on and it wouldn’t have been as degrading as filling in a tax return for a non taxable amount and checking Google during the process to see if crisps can be classified as an expense.


I did sign on for a couple of weeks once and it was horrific. I was so broke at the time I had to take out a government loan for £27 till the dole came through. The problem was that I had to travel to High Barnet in order to collect the loan. A journey I couldn’t afford.  A journey  you wouldn’t wish upon an employed man let alone an unemployed one. The woman on the phone assured me that a thing called a yellow ticket existed that gets broke, unemployed people to the dole office free of charge. What she didn’t tell me was that this was completely made up by her. I found this out when I demanded to be let on to first the bus and then the tube with my “yellow ticket”. The whole incident put me off the dole and I’ve been in gainful employment ever since- if by gainful employment you mean 7 hours contracted work a week and then a couple of stand up gigs a month where you are paid from money that’s been collected in a hat.


Here is the thing I would love to pay tax. Tax me up. The highest rate.  I’ve not set out to make no money, on the contrary monsieur, the worrying thing is this is my best effort to try and make money. Until I did my tax return and saw the cold hard evidence that I could have earnt the same revenue if I’d gone down my street asking people can I look behind your sofas for coins it really felt like I’d had a productive year. And even now despite evidence to the contrary I can’t shake the feeling that I had a good 15/16. This proves a theory I’ve had- the only thing that’s been holding me back all this time is civilized society. Lots of people are worried about the apocalypse. I’ve been living there for the last ten years and it’s actually not that bad, I found a roast chicken in a bin once.I’m pretty sure when everyone joins me I’ll come into my own. I’ll move into a cave. No one's going to tell me to tidy my cave. Double crossing is frowned upon in our current society, so I don’t do it,  but once the artifice of civility crumbles I’ve always had a sneaky suspicion I’d be quite good at it. Selling a fellow camp dweller out for food.


“But Harry I lent you my lave, I thought we were friends”


“welcome to the apocalypse John.”


I could also really picture myself stepping out from behind a tree and saying to a bunch of lost travellers “Looks like you got lost in the wrong place.” The current society plays to my weakness - long term commitment, paying rent, pretending you are interested in other people’s lives, not my strengths double crossing, living in a cave and ambushes. It’s clearly the system that is broken not me. Bring on Brexit and Trump. I can’t wait till this society falls apart, hell if it really goes to shit with my skill set I'll be the one charging the tax.  


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