In the old world being single was an affectation that went really well with the now Covid friendly darkened basements of all the disreputable shit hole bars of the local metropolis. There was an immense pleasure in dipping your toe in the water of monogamy reeling away before you drowned in commitment and died. Corona has flipped that world upside down turning that freedom into a prison where you are caged by your own fear of commitment which Ironically has left us single folk in a relationship with a person much worse than all the one night stands and awkward dates we ran away from in the old world put together. Ourselves! Sartre said that hell is other people but he never had to queue to get into a Lidl or spend three months in quarantine with only his own reflection for company.
The “new normal” does not lend itself to the eternal singleton so with that in mind at the beginning of lockdown I scrolled through my phone looking for former one night stands and acquaintances who could potentially level up to a girlfriend or wife post lockdown.Maybe getting to know someone instead of drinking away the awkwardness of intimacy and avoiding revealing your true self for fear of it being rejected for the umpteenth time might be a good thing.
My confidence was not high as I am currently going through a drought so bad that I wouldn’t be surprised if Lenny Henry turned up at my flat with a camera crew to record one of those video appeals for Comic Relief. But then something magical happened, once you took having to meet up with me out of the equation I became a lot more attractive and naked pictures, video calls, flirty texts rained down on me for the whole lockdown. Things were going great I was in a relationship with four different girls and then in mid June the chief medial officer said single people could meet up and fuck. It turns out that once you put the obligation to meet up with me into the equation you got an anaphrodisiac akin to emptying a box of Malden Sea Salt into a girls vagina.
As I surveyed the scorched earth of my once lush digital dating life i began to accept that the real plague was not corona but human kind. My phone bleeped silencing an inner monologue of self hatred “dear friend” the text message read from a Chinese girl who had ghosted me six months ago. “Please help me by sharing this link with you families and friends.” - Go Fund Me She didn’t mention any of the sob story laid out in crowd funder on our date on the contrary she spoke about her idyllic life on a rural apple farm. I donated. I wanted to feel the true pain of full blown Covid so I opened Hinge
I'm in purple
I hope they never find a vaccine for love....---
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