Not going to lie beginning to feel like one of those X-factor contestants in the early audition rounds who has no self awareness and thinks singing is their destiny when actually it's working in a supermarket. Anyway chapter Six.
IF YOU'VE MISSED THE BEGINNING OF THE BOOK IT STARTS HERE
CHAPTER SIX
DROWNED RATS
"I think maybe the night would still be going if you were nicer to the acts"
"I was being nice, most of these acts were better off giving up."
"You catch more flies with honey than vinegar"
"what do I need flies for, I'm running a comedy night not a fishing shop"
I pulled an e-mail up on my phone and began to read it out.
Hi there
Sorry, I've double booked myself and I'm actually going to King Gong tonight. Sorry for the mix-up.
Danny
---
OK this is incredibly unprofessional. A lot of admin and organization goes into the night and when you cancel with such short notice it means more admin. You will not be booked again. Unless of course you find a replacement.
HD
---
Hello again
Personally, I think it's more unprofessional to act this way over the first occurrence of something like this. To be so short with me when we've never met or been through anything like this before is quite alarming actually, considering you run gigs and have to deal with people.
I run my own gigs, and so I understand about admin and organisation, but I've never responded to a dropout like this before, simply because I know it's part of the game. Your response was just rude, and I think this mixup has been a blessing in disguise.
I'd try and find someone, but I would have been much happier to do so if I had been asked nicely, and not threatened,especially by someone I don't know. It costs nothing to be polite. So I guess you won't book me again, oh well. It's a shame for it to end up this way over a simple mistake.
Danny
---
Hi, I am so sorry. What I should have replied was darling Danny thank you so much for the six hours cancellation notice you gave me for a gig you were booked in for four weeks ago but clearly failed to make a note of. In hindsight I am honoured that you even considered doing the gig in the first place. I don't know how I will break it to the many people who will turn up to watch you tonight that you will be shining elsewhere. Maybe I should cancel the gig.
Please note that this is not just directed at you, it is also directed at the countless other acts who cancel every week who think the world revolves around them and open Mic gigs are some God given service that pops out of a promoters arse like some sort of bountiful fruit.
If you are happy that this sort of behaviour is "part of the game" than the end game of the game you play in will be complete failure. I hope you prove me wrong.
---
Hello again
Personally, I think it's more unprofessional to act this way over the first occurrence of something like this. To be so short with me when we've never met or been through anything like this before is quite alarming actually, considering you run gigs and have to deal with people.
I run my own gigs, and so I understand about admin and organisation, but I've never responded to a dropout like this before, simply because I know it's part of the game. Your response was just rude, and I think this mixup has been a blessing in disguise.
I'd try and find someone, but I would have been much happier to do so if I had been asked nicely, and not threatened,especially by someone I don't know. It costs nothing to be polite. So I guess you won't book me again, oh well. It's a shame for it to end up this way over a simple mistake.
Danny
---
Hi, I am so sorry. What I should have replied was darling Danny thank you so much for the six hours cancellation notice you gave me for a gig you were booked in for four weeks ago but clearly failed to make a note of. In hindsight I am honoured that you even considered doing the gig in the first place. I don't know how I will break it to the many people who will turn up to watch you tonight that you will be shining elsewhere. Maybe I should cancel the gig.
Please note that this is not just directed at you, it is also directed at the countless other acts who cancel every week who think the world revolves around them and open Mic gigs are some God given service that pops out of a promoters arse like some sort of bountiful fruit.
If you are happy that this sort of behaviour is "part of the game" than the end game of the game you play in will be complete failure. I hope you prove me wrong.
I've promoted comedy gigs for over 15 years and am more than happy to discuss further who's attitude is right if you like.
HD
---
HD
---
Hey Mr Boombastic Very Sarcastic,
I happen to live down the road, so I'm happy to discuss this face to face instead of you getting sarcy over emails. Basically, I KNOW what a shithole area this is, and I KNOW that you are not running the Comedy Store from Paradise, local haunt of the pill heads.
My attitude is for me to worry about. One thing I do know is that I appreciate support and understanding, and try to give the same. But if somebody presents themselves as a total knob straight away, then that is exactly how I'll treat them in my response. I've only ever had a problem with one or two people in comedy, mostly due to the fact that MOST people in comedy are decent people.
To be totally honest, I'm not booked in for King Gong tonight at all, I'm going to watch. Why? Because more than 4 fellow acts told me that Rats was a waste of time creatively, and that you were a horrible host who only ever complains about how shit the audience/acts are. "A Pointless Gig" (Wow, I can't believe I'll never get to be a part of this fulfilling experience!) I didn't want to say that to you, so I made out that I was double booked to spare you from that. I now fully regret emailing you at all.
One thing I know for sure is that when acts come to perform at my gigs they are coming back due to having a helpful, supportive experience. I haven't gigged at Rats before, and I'm already glad I never will. Failure isn't something I fear, in fact I thrive on it.
Oh, and maybe you should cancel the gig. Not because I'm not there, but because you're a total bell-end.
Darling Danny
---
Darling Danny, sorry for the delay in replying, I know someone as helpful and supportive as you would have replied much quicker. It's weird, when you say "helpful and supportive night" I imagine you rimming the acts. Am I right? Or is it more ball sucking?
I'm glad the truth finally came out, so to clarify you cancelled a gig with six hours notice because "more than four people" had told you it was not a nice gig? And I'm the rude one. Cool story bro. Assuming you said "more than four" not five as you can't count over four.
Mostly the acts who complain about the night are the worst acts, it's because they have the least self awareness and talent. I've been to a lot of these helpful and supportive nights (haven't been to one like yours where you get sucked off though) and they are a false economy, safe spaces for the talentless kept going as they are free or the promoters force the acts to bring people. The difference between rats and nights like yours is we know we are terrible where as you and your like are deluded.
It's great you thrive on failure as in the short time we've spoken I can see you'll be thriving on it for a long time. Do pop down any Monday could do with boosting the numbers at our pointless and terrible night.
HD
He was staring at me like I was a gorilla in the zoo. I had to say something.
"That guy drowned in vinegar"
"What did you get from that exchange?"
"A headache"
He wrote something down in his book. His phone was bleeping and vibrating. Occasionally someone would ring on the doorbell all of which he was ignoring.He gestured to me that I could continue.
Rats was the last outpost of integrity on the circuit as Entertainment was now a commodity like corn syrup. Rats was cut with horse meat and grit tand would be taken off the shelves within minutes if it was a product. Much to everyones surprise but mine the nights were working. Acts devoid of charisma or guile would take on subjects as diverse as the holocaust, ISIS abortion and suck out the athmosphere from the room I'd then step into that vaccum and create a comedy big bang thay slowly rippled through the universe. The decriminalisation of domestic violence in Russia would get a round of applause. Rats were mainly male, I’d say lines like i’ve seen more women in the Saudi Arabian parliament. The audience was building. One time a guy came down from Manchester to perform to complete silence another a rat couldn't make it as the prison he worked in was in lockdown as a riot had started. I shouted at a rat who hadn’t promoted the gig, he opened his set saying his best friend had died that morning and he’d been crying all day. The audience was building. A guy called Tom Gay signed up and never performed. I began to get recognised at other gigs “that’s the rat man” people would whisper under their breath. A Rat smoked heroin in the toilets. A guy who worked in Mcdonalds came to watch every show for 20 weeks in a row and offered to host us for a show in his flat on Xmas day. The audience was building. Rats ran out of material. Rats would travel from all corners of the world to perform their five minutes. A Nike executive addicted to coke who'd flown in from Chicago whose act was calling all the women in the audience bitches till the show was just an argument about misogyny which caused several audience members to have panic attacks sticks in my mind. I asked him to leave, which in fairness he did, but he was so high that he was still wondering around lost back stage when the lights came on at the end of the night. Before we knew it there was an audience coming to watch the horror. One night a famous Canadian Heavy Metal band were the only audience another it was just four chillean brothers who didn't speak English, then the front row was all battle MC's who sat there stony faced. Industry turned up. I'd done three Edinburgh hours and the only industry who'd ever been to that were people from the construction industry. It was getting busier and busier. I made the show a competition. "Big Rat." The prize was you didn’t have to come back and do the night. I banned acts from asking the audience if they were well. A cliche of the open mic circuit. I don’t even understand what it meant, and no one in this audience was well. You didn’t come to this show if you were well. A beacon had been sent out and every wrong'un in the UK had picked up it's signal. An unplayable gig for most acts but the best Monday night the people who were watching had had for years. I was finding my audience.
The therapist interjected.
"Sorry, you said this was a charity night, did the profits go to charity?"
"Charity is not all about money you know, darling Danny gave up which was good for him and good for the circuit"
"It's almost midnight, how does this story end?"
"Badly for me"
Before I began Rats I was the venue manager at The Queen Of Hearts the venue where Rats took place. When I started the venue had no comedy nights and no one from the comedy community knew the place existed. Now three years later it was filled with comedy most nights of the week featuring a raft of the best comedians from around the world. It was bursting with audience and was a comedy destination. I'd given a lot of time to the venue. When i first took the job I didn't have the self belief to think I'd be able to do anyting with it.It was in a backwater of North London and there was no audience or history to build on so I'd set my wages low and despite all the success I'd bought there my wages stayed the same. It wasn't like I hadn't asked for a raise. Now that I'd finally worked out what I was worth I decided it was time to do something where I was valued so I handed in my notice. I'd keep Rats going there as it was a success story and it made me money. It was only fair if I found a replacement. It would be a shame to not let someone else build on the hard work I'd done. For the first time in my employment history I was going to leave somewhere on good terms. Like I'd always been told to do but had never done. I interviewed several candiates most of whom were friends and then picked the top three and handed the names over to the venue. They chose my former agent. My one and only agent in my career. Our relationship ended ten years ago when she walked out of one of my shows. That was a new low at the time, I was used to people walking out of my shows, my life, my childhood but my own agent walking out of her clients show hit a nerve. In hindsight that might have had more to do with us getting off with each other whilst she was in a relationship with her future husband. But anyway we were friends now. It felt good to do the right thing and then she e-mailed me
I happen to live down the road, so I'm happy to discuss this face to face instead of you getting sarcy over emails. Basically, I KNOW what a shithole area this is, and I KNOW that you are not running the Comedy Store from Paradise, local haunt of the pill heads.
My attitude is for me to worry about. One thing I do know is that I appreciate support and understanding, and try to give the same. But if somebody presents themselves as a total knob straight away, then that is exactly how I'll treat them in my response. I've only ever had a problem with one or two people in comedy, mostly due to the fact that MOST people in comedy are decent people.
To be totally honest, I'm not booked in for King Gong tonight at all, I'm going to watch. Why? Because more than 4 fellow acts told me that Rats was a waste of time creatively, and that you were a horrible host who only ever complains about how shit the audience/acts are. "A Pointless Gig" (Wow, I can't believe I'll never get to be a part of this fulfilling experience!) I didn't want to say that to you, so I made out that I was double booked to spare you from that. I now fully regret emailing you at all.
One thing I know for sure is that when acts come to perform at my gigs they are coming back due to having a helpful, supportive experience. I haven't gigged at Rats before, and I'm already glad I never will. Failure isn't something I fear, in fact I thrive on it.
Oh, and maybe you should cancel the gig. Not because I'm not there, but because you're a total bell-end.
Darling Danny
---
Darling Danny, sorry for the delay in replying, I know someone as helpful and supportive as you would have replied much quicker. It's weird, when you say "helpful and supportive night" I imagine you rimming the acts. Am I right? Or is it more ball sucking?
I'm glad the truth finally came out, so to clarify you cancelled a gig with six hours notice because "more than four people" had told you it was not a nice gig? And I'm the rude one. Cool story bro. Assuming you said "more than four" not five as you can't count over four.
Mostly the acts who complain about the night are the worst acts, it's because they have the least self awareness and talent. I've been to a lot of these helpful and supportive nights (haven't been to one like yours where you get sucked off though) and they are a false economy, safe spaces for the talentless kept going as they are free or the promoters force the acts to bring people. The difference between rats and nights like yours is we know we are terrible where as you and your like are deluded.
It's great you thrive on failure as in the short time we've spoken I can see you'll be thriving on it for a long time. Do pop down any Monday could do with boosting the numbers at our pointless and terrible night.
HD
He was staring at me like I was a gorilla in the zoo. I had to say something.
"That guy drowned in vinegar"
"What did you get from that exchange?"
"A headache"
He wrote something down in his book. His phone was bleeping and vibrating. Occasionally someone would ring on the doorbell all of which he was ignoring.He gestured to me that I could continue.
Rats was the last outpost of integrity on the circuit as Entertainment was now a commodity like corn syrup. Rats was cut with horse meat and grit tand would be taken off the shelves within minutes if it was a product. Much to everyones surprise but mine the nights were working. Acts devoid of charisma or guile would take on subjects as diverse as the holocaust, ISIS abortion and suck out the athmosphere from the room I'd then step into that vaccum and create a comedy big bang thay slowly rippled through the universe. The decriminalisation of domestic violence in Russia would get a round of applause. Rats were mainly male, I’d say lines like i’ve seen more women in the Saudi Arabian parliament. The audience was building. One time a guy came down from Manchester to perform to complete silence another a rat couldn't make it as the prison he worked in was in lockdown as a riot had started. I shouted at a rat who hadn’t promoted the gig, he opened his set saying his best friend had died that morning and he’d been crying all day. The audience was building. A guy called Tom Gay signed up and never performed. I began to get recognised at other gigs “that’s the rat man” people would whisper under their breath. A Rat smoked heroin in the toilets. A guy who worked in Mcdonalds came to watch every show for 20 weeks in a row and offered to host us for a show in his flat on Xmas day. The audience was building. Rats ran out of material. Rats would travel from all corners of the world to perform their five minutes. A Nike executive addicted to coke who'd flown in from Chicago whose act was calling all the women in the audience bitches till the show was just an argument about misogyny which caused several audience members to have panic attacks sticks in my mind. I asked him to leave, which in fairness he did, but he was so high that he was still wondering around lost back stage when the lights came on at the end of the night. Before we knew it there was an audience coming to watch the horror. One night a famous Canadian Heavy Metal band were the only audience another it was just four chillean brothers who didn't speak English, then the front row was all battle MC's who sat there stony faced. Industry turned up. I'd done three Edinburgh hours and the only industry who'd ever been to that were people from the construction industry. It was getting busier and busier. I made the show a competition. "Big Rat." The prize was you didn’t have to come back and do the night. I banned acts from asking the audience if they were well. A cliche of the open mic circuit. I don’t even understand what it meant, and no one in this audience was well. You didn’t come to this show if you were well. A beacon had been sent out and every wrong'un in the UK had picked up it's signal. An unplayable gig for most acts but the best Monday night the people who were watching had had for years. I was finding my audience.
The therapist interjected.
"Sorry, you said this was a charity night, did the profits go to charity?"
"Charity is not all about money you know, darling Danny gave up which was good for him and good for the circuit"
"It's almost midnight, how does this story end?"
"Badly for me"
Before I began Rats I was the venue manager at The Queen Of Hearts the venue where Rats took place. When I started the venue had no comedy nights and no one from the comedy community knew the place existed. Now three years later it was filled with comedy most nights of the week featuring a raft of the best comedians from around the world. It was bursting with audience and was a comedy destination. I'd given a lot of time to the venue. When i first took the job I didn't have the self belief to think I'd be able to do anyting with it.It was in a backwater of North London and there was no audience or history to build on so I'd set my wages low and despite all the success I'd bought there my wages stayed the same. It wasn't like I hadn't asked for a raise. Now that I'd finally worked out what I was worth I decided it was time to do something where I was valued so I handed in my notice. I'd keep Rats going there as it was a success story and it made me money. It was only fair if I found a replacement. It would be a shame to not let someone else build on the hard work I'd done. For the first time in my employment history I was going to leave somewhere on good terms. Like I'd always been told to do but had never done. I interviewed several candiates most of whom were friends and then picked the top three and handed the names over to the venue. They chose my former agent. My one and only agent in my career. Our relationship ended ten years ago when she walked out of one of my shows. That was a new low at the time, I was used to people walking out of my shows, my life, my childhood but my own agent walking out of her clients show hit a nerve. In hindsight that might have had more to do with us getting off with each other whilst she was in a relationship with her future husband. But anyway we were friends now. It felt good to do the right thing and then she e-mailed me
I'm going to knock Rats on the head in the New Year. Monday needs a freshen up and we have loads of ideas.
The last one will be next Monday.
The last one will be next Monday.
I was building something, for the first time ever it felt like I was going somewhere. I'd worked hard. I'd done the right thing and this was how I was rewarded. If I look back December 2017 was when it all started to go wrong.. I'd gone out of my way to help the venue, had increased their turnover massively in my tenure, got my friend the job and they just turfed me and my night out with a curt e-mail. Not even a phone call. She was a terrible agent and an even worse friend. I'd finally done the right thing and I'd been stabbed in the back. All my original instincts were correct the world was a hell hole and the only positive thing about life was that it eventually ended. By changing course and doing the right thing I'd confused the universe and this set off a chain of events of backstabbing and perpetual misery that I currently found myself in.
My therapist interjected "You've run out of time"
"At last, some insight!"
My therapist interjected "You've run out of time"
"At last, some insight!"
----
CLICK HERE FOR CHAPTER SEVEN WHERE I TAKE YOU TO A SNOW COVERED HELL HOLE SOAKED IN MULLED WINE VOMIT FOR A CHRISTMAS YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.
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